


Your heart next to mine

by lewisherondales (thecodinglibrarian)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Coma, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-20 09:52:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16134809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecodinglibrarian/pseuds/lewisherondales
Summary: For @rebelqueens for the JalecGiftExchange2018. Prompt asked for a canon-fix it fic, taking everything up until 3A as canon, and then dealing with it and "fixing" it by making jalec canon at the end of the fic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> We seriously need more jalec canon-fixing in this fandom so I was glad to write it! <3 I hope you like it! <3
> 
> Separated in chapters just for easier reading.

Jace stood up from his seat and picked up the blanket neatly folded over the footboard of the bed. Where, days ago, the room had been full of people running around, now, it was mostly quiet. Izzy was sitting on the edge of her chair, her upper body sprawled over the bed while she snored lightly. Jace carefully placed the blanket over her and looked at the figure on the bed.

Alec remained unconscious.

He’d apparently passed out soon after Jace had left. They had taken him to the Institute right away where his treatment had begun being overseen by the Silent Brothers. His wrist had been broken, his lung punctured, and he’d lost a lot of blood. _However_ , they’d been told, _he’d been lucky_. The arrow hadn’t reached his heart. Had the wound been any deeper, they would’ve lost him.

Had the wound been any deeper, Jace would’ve killed his parabatai.

He clenched his side. It was faint, but it was still there. The certainty that Alec was alive.

They had him hooked up to machines and the healing runes they had drawn on him were activated every day to speed up the healing process, but there was nothing else they could do. Alec’s body had to fight to keep on living. Because of him. Again.

He heard the clicking of shoes on the ground and turned his attention to the new occupant of the room.

“You should rest too.” Maryse told him, tenderly.

Jace responded with a sad smile and greeted her with a kiss on her cheek. They retreated to the hallway, close to the door, where they could keep an eye on Alec without disturbing either him or Izzy.

“How is Luke?” Jace asked.

“He… has pushed me away. Clary was like a daughter to him. He needs time.” Maryse reached to cup his cheek. "I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose one of you.”

Jace leaned into her touch.

“How are you?" She asked.

Jace glanced again at Alec’s static form.

"I'm-"

He choked on a sob, the words dying in his lips. If Alec died because of him…

Maryse took him in her arms. It reminded him of how, in that night, she had hugged him too. She had told him how glad she was that he was safe. Things he didn’t deserve after almost killing her son.

"You were always so strong. I still remember the first time you came back injured after a mission. Even at 10-years-old, you tried to hide it and heal the wounds all by yourself. That gash on your back had turned green by the time I found you in the corner of the shed with the first aid kit. By the Angel, it looked terrible.” Jace couldn’t see her face, but he knew she had tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry I wasn’t a better mother. I should have noticed.”

He was about to protest when Maryse pulled back and held his face in her hands.

“Promise me you’ll never hide anything like that again."

Under the intensity of her gaze, Jace knew she’d only accept one answer. He nodded.

With that, she straightened herself and cleaned out her tears with her hands.

"I'll watch over him. Try to rest."

“Ok.” Jace said, already knowing he wouldn't be able to.

He cleaned his own tears as he watched Maryse walk into the room. She approached the bed, making Izzy wake up with a start.

“Mom!” She shrieked.

Jace closed the door and walked away.

\--

Talks were staring to happen on who’d replace Alec as the Head of the Institute. Lydia had travelled to New York as soon as she had had permission to and, as a favor to them, had taken a temporary position as the Head of the Institute. She was more than qualified for the job but not truly happy to go back to the place where she had been publicly humiliated. No one could blame her.

Jace had gained a lot of respect for her for the way she had handled the whole marriage scandal. However, he couldn’t bear the thought of someone taking that position other than Alec. He had been born for that job. He was supposed to hold that position for the years to come. Jace was reckless and self-destructive. Alec was smarter. This were not supposed to end with him being the one sitting at Alec’s bedside.

Somehow, though, everyone he involved in his life ended up dead sooner or later while he kept on living. Simon, Imogen, Ithuriel, the Downworlders who had trusted him, mundanes, Clary…Clary.

Jace could’ve kept his distance when he had the opportunity to, but he couldn’t control himself. All for what? Just so that he could live on to add the two people he cared about the most to his death toll. He was a curse that no one should keep around. Yet, both Clary and Alec had never given up on him. Even when they knew how much it would cost them.

"Clary's gone and I can't... I can't lose you too. Please, Alec. Please come back."

This time, like all the other times he’d begged for it, he was met with nothing more than the beeping of the machines and bitter disappointment.

\--

It was an average day at the Institute, a few days later, when it happened. Jace had been staring at Alec, lost in thought, when he thought he saw movement from the corner of his eye. At first, he thought he was hallucinating. It was not like that hadn’t happened before.

But, then, he noticed the shift in Alec’s breathing. The slight movement of his head. The strength of their bond coming back.

Alec was waking up.

Stunned in his seat, Jace watched in a daze as Alec’s brows furrowed before he opened his eyes. Jace saw him look around frantically, disoriented and scared. The sudden movement of trying to stand up threw Alec into a coughing fit.

That’s when Jace fell into himself.

“Hey, hey, it’s ok. Alec, it’s ok.” He reached forward to steady him into a sitting position on the bed.

Alec’s eyes started to clear, and he seemed to recognize Jace. The moment he did, there was pure relief and happiness on his face.

“Jace…”

And Jace broke.

“Alec, I’m so sorry. I’m so-“ He sobbed.

Alec reached out with one hand and pulled him closer. “Not… your fault.” He said, voice rough. Jace let himself be held as he cried onto Alec’s shoulder, feeling the warmth of the embrace sink deep into him. Those arms wrapped around him tighter, and, for the first time in a long time, Jace felt something akin to safety.


	2. Chapter 2

It took a few days for Alec to be discharged from the Silent Brothers’ care. After that, he’d had a very nice encounter with the Clave, who had apparently thoroughly questioned everyone while he’d been unconscious. That they had let Jace go unpunished was enough indication that something was up. Alec could only imagine what. After he told them everything he knew, which, thankfully, wasn’t much, he, too, had been dismissed.

Yet, despite all major threats being gone, things were far from ok.

Jace was being unusually quiet and panicky around him, as if he thought Alec could change his mind and hate him for the things Lilith had made him do at any second. There was a deep sadness constantly flowing through their bond but addressing it the wrong way could put a strain in their relationship again and that was the last thing they needed. There was a part of Alec that wanted to hide Jace away and protect him from the world. But Jace had never allowed him to do that, no matter how much he tried.

And Magnus… Magnus was suffering too, even if Alec couldn’t feel it as he could with Jace.  Izzy had called him as soon as Alec had woken up. Magnus had rushed to visit him at the Institute, but he’d been reserved. They were both still learning how to show their vulnerabilities to each other and, at that moment, Magnus was at his most vulnerable.

Sick of being stuck in his room and ready to solve things with Magnus, Alec decided to go to his apartment.

\--

The door to the apartment opened to reveal a very polished Magnus.

“Alec.” Magnus said, wide-eyed. “What a surprise.”

Alec lifted an eyebrow at the strange greeting but entered the apartment nonetheless.

“Is it wise for you to be walking around town so soon?” Magnus asked whilst closing the door behind them.

Alec rolled his shoulders back, relieving some of the tension he was feeling.

“I’m fine.” He said.

He examined Magnus. He was wearing his usual make up and a simple black button-up shirt and pants. Alec had expected him to look more worn-out, but Magnus was usually the kind to hide his feelings under several layers of eccentricity and fake nonchalance.

“Are you ok?” Alec asked, after failing to get a read on him.

Magnus smiled.

“Let’s just say I’m glad I didn’t rely on my magic for everything.”

Alec walked up to him.

“Magnus, we need to help you get your magic back.”

Magnus put a hand on his chest.

“Alexander, I know you want to help, but I think we all need some rest after our last adventure.” He walked away and appeared unconcerned as he prepared a cocktail for himself and another one for Alec. “Immortality was getting boring, anyway.”

He handed Alec his cocktail and downed his in one go.

“Speaking of taking some time…” He looked at the empty glass in hands for a minute before setting it down. “Well, I guess there’s really no other way to go about it.” He turned his full attention to Alec. “We should take some time away from each other.” He said.

Alec felt the world shatter around him. He swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Are you… breaking up with me?” He was struggling to breathe.

Magnus remained quiet.

“Like that?” Alec snapped.

They’d had many fights that could’ve ended like that. Alec didn’t expect it to come at a time where he thought they were on the same page. He became apologetic.

“Magnus, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn’t have sent you like that to Edom. I’m sorry I made you give up your magic."

Magnus was staring at him with anguished eyes.

"Alexander, you don't have to apologize. I love you. I did it for you.”

“I love you too-“

“Look, I just think you should take some time to think about what’s really in your heart.”

His eyes started watering.

“What does that mean?”

“I can’t keep saving Jace.”

Alec stopped in his tracks. So he was angry about it after all. About Alec’s failure to reply to him before he left for Edom.

"He's my parabatai!" Alec shouted. "What was I supposed to do?” He tried reaching out to Magnus but was evaded. “I told you, I love you. Why don’t you believe it?"

Magnus’s eyes were glossy too.

“You have never had the time to stop and sort things out since all of this started. I feel like we perhaps we rushed it."

There was resignation starting to settle in him, but Alec fought it with all his might.

“What about what you told me before you left?”

“I gave up everything for you. Believe me, I wanted it to work as much as you did.”

“It can still-“

“No, Alexander. It can't.”

Alec wanted to be angry but… he couldn’t. He knew he had asked too much. Magnus had finally had enough of him. It wasn’t going to work. Effort was not enough.

\--

He was striding towards his office when he bumped into Jace, almost toppling him. He heard Jace humph and reached for his elbow instinctively, steadying them.

Jace seemed to have trouble placing himself for a few moments. Once he did, he looked up at Alec and, of course, read him like an open book.

“Alec? What’s wrong?” It was panicky again and Alec felt stupid for making him worry over such a trivial thing. Jace’s worries revolved around death and torture. Not hurt feelings. Alec released his elbow, feeling ashamed.

“Nothing.” He said. When that felt wrong, he corrected it. “Nothing that you need to worry about.”

Jace disregarded his reply as he inspected Alec’s face.

“Is it about Magnus? We’ll get his magic back.” He promised, earnestly.

Alec knew how much he meant that. Jace would throw himself into whatever danger he felt he had to. Yet, he couldn’t possibly save Alec’s relationship himself. Feeling himself sinking into sadness, Alec caved.

“Magnus broke up with me.”

A look flashed in Jace’s eyes.

“Alec, I’m so sorry.”

Alec recognized that look on Jace better than anything else. It seemed all Jace felt recently. Guilt.

He grabbed Jace firmly by the shoulders.

“Jace, this isn’t on you.” He punctuated. He softened his hold, letting his hands fall to his sides. “Even before all of this, things were not going as well as they seemed.” He confessed.

Jace looked far from convinced of it.

“You two are a strong couple. You’ll figure it out.”

Alec shook his head.

“Not this time.” He said.

At the certainty in his voice, Jace looked resigned.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too.”


	3. Chapter 3

Jace accompanied Alec to the Institute’s main room.

“Isn’t it too early for you to be on active duty?” He asked.

“I couldn’t stand being confined to that bed any longer.” Alec huffed.

Jace grinned.

“Was it that or was it just awkward having your ex-fiancée as your boss?”

“Hey.” Alec warned, with a smile.

It was almost like they had gone back to before all it started. Just the two of them. Yet, they had gone through far too much for it to ever be the same again.

Jace liked it. Being close to Alec again. Something in his blood was singing. They had been apart for far too long and the bond was finally having the time to strengthen itself.

He watched as Alec walked around taking reports from Shadowhunters and giving out missions. Jace knew he was using his job to avoid thinking about Magnus, but he also knew Alec didn’t want him bringing it up. A group of Shadowhunters, returning from an assignment, stopped to speak to Alec. They looked battered, their clothes torn beyond repair.

It only took a few seconds for it to hit him. The metallic smell he knew so well.

He felt his stomach turn.

He stumbled out of the room and headed towards the bathroom as he pushed down the urge to spill his guts onto the floors of the Institute. Chills strong enough to make it hard for him to stand ran through him. The bathroom door hit the wall with a loud bang.

Memories of him slicing through the members of the Praetor Lupus flashed through his head. The metallic smell filled him as he saw himself disemboweling the last resisting werewolf while he was still alive. His legs gave out. He crawled to the toilet. He felt the warm blood dripping from his hands as he held the wolf’s slippery guts in them. He leaned his head down and threw up.

All the contents of his stomach were projected out until there was nothing left. He grabbed the toiled seat with shaky hands, struggling to stay upright. He felt spent. His throat burned, and the foul taste and smell of his vomit overwhelmed him. He closed his eyes.

Hearing footsteps approaching, he realized he hadn’t closed any door on his way.

“Jace!” Came a worried shout from the doorway. He felt Alec kneel next him. “I saw you run out here. What happened?”

Jace opened his eyes but didn’t raise his head, afraid his stomach would turn again.

“Blood.” He answered.

“Has it been like this since…?”

Jace didn’t say anything. He closed his eyes and tried to will his insides to settle. Alec was running a hand up and down his back, and it felt good.

“I’ve been avoiding the main room.” He said.

They waited in silence. Alec kept running his hand through his back and neck. Jace felt hot. His hands, still holding onto the edge of the toiled seat, were clammy. He let his forehead rest on top of them.

Once he calmed down enough to decrease the shaking, Alec put an arm around his waist.

“Can you stand?”

Jace nodded, and Alec hoisted him up.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

\--

Jace rinsed his mouth at the sink. Through the mirror, he saw Alec lean down to turn on the faucet. The water started to run. Alec left the bathroom and, with shaky fingers, Jace took off his shirt, pants and boxers, and dropped them on the floor. He stepped into the bathtub. The hot water burned a little but instantly relaxed his muscles. Jace sank completely into it. He was feeling himself slipping on the bathtub when Alec appeared by his side again.

“Hey, don’t black out on me, ok?” He said as he brushed Jace’s hair away from his face with his fingers.

Jace nodded drowsily. Except for the few times he’d passed out, he couldn’t remember having slept in the last month.

Minutes later, Alec persuaded him out of the bath with some clean clothes.

He felt himself being walked to the bed. Eyelids heavy, the sheets called to him. As soon as he fell onto the mattress, though, his pulse spiked. Every hair in his body was standing up as he sat up straight.

He shook his head violently.

“I can’t.” He whimpered.

Alec sat by him on the bed and pulled him down again, softly.

“Nothing is going to happen. I’ll be here.” He soothed.

Face on the pillow, Jace recalled the numerous times he’d killed Clary on that same bed.

“She didn’t even get to be buried.” He whispered.

Instead of replying, Alec ran a hand through his hair, smoothing it out of his face.

Jace let himself succumb to the exhaustion. His eyes fell shut and he moved closer to Alec, instinctively, until his face was close enough to Alec’s leg that he could almost feel the warmness radiating from it.

He fell asleep feeling his parabatai’s fingers drawing calming circles on his head.

\--

Jace woke up with a start. He sat up on the bed, clutching his knees to his chest. He could tell he’d slept longer this time. Still, the nightmares haunted him. The difference between them and being a prisoner of Lilith in his own head, nonexistent.

“Shit.” He heard Alec mutter from the doorway. The bed dipped in front of him when Alec sat by him on the edge of the bed. “I’m here. I’m here.”

Jace raised his head to look at him, tears streaming down his face.

“I’m never going on missions again. I can’t.” He sobbed. “I can’t even go back to cleaning duty like this. What am I doing here?”

“This is your home.” Alec replied. “And we’re going to get you help.”

Jace shook his head disbelievingly.

“They’re going to derune me.”

Alec put a firm hand on his neck.

“They aren’t. You’re the best Shadowhunter I know.”

He couldn’t stifle the sobs that followed. Alec was so wrong.

“Alec, I shouldn’t even be alive.”

Alec held Jace’s face in place with both hands, forcing their eyes to meet.

“Jace, listen to me. You are alive. And, for as long as you are, this is your home. Nothing is ever going to change that.”

With Alec’s strong arms wrapped around him, Jace broke down again.

\--

This time, Jace didn’t fight Alec.

Jace had seen too much for it to be safe to have the Silent Brothers probing his mind. Any information they might have managed to extract from him during the process could be a weapon of mass destruction in the Clave’s hands. Alec suggested trying mundane therapies, like Izzy had done. Mundanes wouldn’t even begin to understand what Jace had been through but, out of options, Jace ventured.

Despite his initial disbelief, the experience was truly humbling. In a world robbed of all magic and demonic creatures, Jace had dismissed just what kind of terrors people could inflict on each other. But, in his support group, everyone had their own horrific story. Many had lost friends and colleagues. Family members. Had been subjected to years of physical and emotional torture. All of those were things that a Shadowhunter could relate to. The inability to leave the past behind, stopping it from slipping into their present and rendering them unable to function, was what had joined such a diverse group. The specifics didn’t matter. It helped him feel like he wasn’t crazy and, for that alone, Jace was grateful.

His therapist was a balding man in his forties. Jace had never bothered to get involved in the mundane world and neither had Alec so coming up with a fake story that made sense to mundanes but was similar to his own was incredibly difficult. Jace resorted to keeping quiet about it until he could learn enough from his support group to piece together something believable.

He wasn’t eager to go back to missions, but he knew he had to, sometime soon, or he’d risk a more permanent retirement from the Shadowhunting world. He also knew, however, that he was in it for the long run with the therapy sessions.

\--

Jace wasn’t really sure of what he was doing. He didn’t have any particular reason to be there. All he knew was that, lately, Alec’s proximity was intoxicating. Whenever they happened to bump into each other, his body didn’t seem to want to move. There was something undoubtedly safe and masculine about Alec that Jace couldn’t have enough of. He opened the door to Alec’s office, almost hitting said man with it.

Jace blinked up at Alec.

“Oh, were you going somewhere?” He asked.

Alec frowned slightly.

“Actually, I was going to see how you were doing. Do you need something?”

Jace smiled at him and shook his head.

“Just bored. Believe it or not, there’s not much to do around here.” He joked.

Alec’s features relaxed.

“The pile of papers on my desk says otherwise.” He complained.

Jace perked up.

“Do you want help?”

Alec actually looked worried.

“Jace, you don’t do paperwork.”

Jace shrugged light-heartedly.

“I said I was bored.”


	4. Chapter 4

It became a habit for Jace to go and meet Alec at his office. It both worried Alec and brought him peace. Jace had never been that openly needy before. But they’d been too close to losing each too many times. He _had_ lost Jace. Being able to keep him under his watch was a relief.

Sitting at his desk, Alec couldn’t stop thinking about what Magnus had said. How could he think Alec was in love with Jace? How could Alec be in love with Jace after kissing Magnus at his wedding? After he had sex with him? He hadn’t wanted to kiss Jace, then. And when Jace had activated the Soul Sword, Alec knew.

Of course he couldn’t live without Jace. They were parabatai. Bonded together since they were children. They needed each other. Magnus just couldn’t understand it. Maybe he’d loved Jace before. But not now.

“I know I’m pretty but you’re making me blush with all that staring, Alec.” Jace grinned at him from his stop in one of the chairs.

Alec looked down at his paperwork, cheeks burning.

“I’m trying to work here.” He muttered.

Jace’s laugh made his heart clench.

\--

One afternoon, Jace had showed up and invited Alec for a training session. Alec was apprehensive, at first, but, unable to ever say no to Jace, he followed him to the training grounds.

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” He asked, when they were both at their starting positions, swords in their hands.

Jace grinned at him.

“Afraid I’ll kick your ass?” He teased. Alec looked at him sternly, not letting him get away with changing the conversation. At that, Jace rolled his eyes at him and his tone became serious. “Alec, it’s fine. Really.”

Alec nodded.

They fell into a pace after that, swords clashing between them with their every move. Jace was as agile as always. If not for the panic that flowed through their bond in spikes every day, Alec would think he was fine.

Tired of the sword fighting, Jace threw his sword aside and Alec did the same. Jace grinned at him from a safe distance, studying his openings. There was something about having Jace’s undivided attention that made Alec feel as if he was thirteen again. The exhilaration that came with it.

Jace lunged himself at Alec and they rolled on the floor. Alec was larger, so he had the upper hand. He pinned Jace, face down on the floor but Jace slithered through his arms enough to turn himself around, grab Alec with his legs and switch their positions. The rolled around some more until Jace pinned Alec on the floor, with his body weight, taking Alec’s arm and bending it behind his back. Alec struggled in his hold. Despite their height difference, Jace was just as strong. Alec yielded and Jace released enough weight on Alec’s body that he could turn around.

Instead of getting up like Alec thought he was going to, Jace seemed happy to keep straddling him. Jace was radiant, smiling from ear to ear. It was the happiest Alec had seen him in months.

“Good fight.” He said.

Alec felt it. His heart thumping in his ears. The panic that Jace could at any moment figure him out. There was no way he could miss it. It was the same he’d felt for more than a decade.

Jace got off him and offered him a hand. Alec took it and was pulled up.

 _Nephilim love once_. Alec suddenly remembered. Magnus had been straight-forward about his feelings for Alec from the start. Magnus loved him. Magnus was someone Alec could love without feeling guilty. Magnus had bended himself backwards to make sure Alec was comfortable. Magnus had been safe. Jace was a roller coaster. Jace meant heartache at every step of the way. Yet, Jace was the one he wanted. Alec was destined to want the only thing he couldn’t have.

\--

Alec was livid. Adrenaline pumped in his veins as he walked through the halls of the Institute. The word had travelled up the ranks all the way to his office. He would’ve never known the details if Underhill hadn’t told him. He barged into Jace’s room.

Jace, who had been sitting on his bed, stood up, wide-eyed.

“Alec.”

Alec strode right up to his space.

“What the hell were you thinking?” He bellowed.

Jace stumbled backwards, in the bedroom, until he hit the wall.

“Alec, I-“ Jace started.

“No. I told you you weren’t ready.” He scolded.

“I can’t stay here wandering around all day!” Jace yelled. He looked down, ashamed. “I thought I could do it.” He said, quieter.

Alec felt a wave of possessiveness hit him.

“Show it to me.” He gritted out.

Jace closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. Sighing, he lifted his shirt.

There was a large gash across his chest, starting on the side of his chest and ending just above his parabatai rune, deep enough that a simple _iratze_ couldn’t heal it. Alec traced the edges of it with his trembling fingers, making Jace wince in pain. It had been too close.

“I can’t lose you over something like this.” He said, eyes unwavering from the redness in Jace’s chest.

Jace lifted his hand and touched Alec’s face lightly, rubbing the tension on his temples away.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

When Alec raised his eyes, Jace was staring back at him. Alec inhaled sharply. He’d never seen that look in his eyes. Jace’s long lashes fluttered and, before Alec could understand what was happening, he leaned forward to close the gap between their lips.

Had it not been for the shock of it, Alec would’ve slipped into it. He would have forgotten the Clave and its rules. The crashing world around them. He would’ve taken everything Jace would give him, right there, against the bedroom wall.

As it was, he stepped back, pulse racing.

“What are you doing?” He said, voice stern.

Jace looked like he’d been slapped. He was rooted in place, eyes wide in pure dread.

“I’m sorry.” Were the first words out of his mouth.

Alec’s heart sank. That was as far as he could go. A brush of Jace’s lips against his. He could be a mistake in Jace’s love life. He almost regretted not taking what he could have. It had been more than he’d ever hoped to get.

Jace kept mumbling to himself.

“Of course, you wouldn’t want to. I’m sorry.”

Alec stilled.

“What are you talking about?”

Jace hesitated in his response. His brows were deeply furrowed as he thought about what he wanted to say.

 “You don’t love me anymore.”

It was almost like a confession. But it wasn’t. Jace was lost and confused.

Alec wanted to cry.

“I’ve _always_ loved you. You’ve never looked at me like that for one second in your life. Now that your girlfriend is gone, I’m supposed to believe it?” He ran a hand through his hair. “You know what? It doesn’t matter because we’re parabatai. We _can’t_ do this.”

Before Jace had any time to say something, Izzy walked into the room, looking out of breath.

“Jace, you need to see this.” She said, tone serious.

They followed her to the main room, where she sat at the computer, typing away.

“Izzy, what is it?” Jace pressed.

She got up and walked to one of the monitors. Her expression was somber as she said,

“I just received these photos from the Paris Institute.”

The picture she presented them was of a busy street in France. Alec squinted at it, trying to understand what was so important. Then, he saw it.

“Is that-”

But Jace was already looking transfixed, at the screen.

“Clary.”


	5. Chapter 5

Jace couldn’t take the eyes of the screen. He’d mourned Clary. There was no doubt, though, that the person on the screen was her. Or at least looked like her.

When he did look away from the screen, Alec was frowning.

“What is she doing in Paris? This doesn’t make any sense.” He said.

“For all we know, it could be a glamour.” Jace supplied.

“Who would walk around glamoured as Clary? That’s the opposite of a disguise. Even in Paris.”

Jace shrugged.

“Maybe that’s the point.” He said.

“Do you really think that?”

“This might be a trap for us.” Jace said. He knew how things were never as simple as they looked. He looked at the screen again and his heart constricted painfully in his chest. “All I know is that if it’s her, we need to save her.”

Alec, of course, wasn’t happy with the idea.

“The Clave would never let her return after she escaped a death sentence. They only let _us_ go because they thought she was dead.”

Jace curled his fists.

“She killed Valentine!”

Alec looked unimpressed at Jace’s outburst.

“I know that.” He said, as if he was talking to a child. “She also used the wish. They’ll never let her go, after that one.”

He was right and Jace knew it. That didn’t piss him off any less.

“Luke should be able to hide her. He knows the Downworld well.”

“Then, they’d both get captured by the Clave. That would help no one.”

Jace scowled, blood boiling with misdirected anger.

“Do you have a better idea?”

“We need to tell them.” Izzy interrupted.

Alec turned to her.

“No. What if this ends up being nothing?”

“We need all the help we can get and Simon’s the only one who was there when Clary disappeared.” She reasoned.

Alec clicked his tongue in frustration.

“Fine.” He spat out.

\--

Jace was packing up in his room when Alec showed up at the door, standing tall and serious, looking every bit like the Head of the Institute he was.

“I can’t go with you.” He said. “I need to be here. The Clave is still keeping a close eye on us.”

“Right.” Jace said, without looking up.

He kept shoving his clothes on his backpack.

Jace was mostly angry at himself, for having stopped searching for Clary, leaving her to fend for her own for weeks. For kissing Alec, when he had no right to.

Alec approached him.

“I know I can’t convince you not to go but after what just happened on the field…Jace, you can’t do this.” He begged.

Jace stopped what he was doing and turned to Alec.

“If I might not have killed her, I need to be sure. I need to save her.” He said, trying to make Alec understand.

Alec backed down.

“It’s always going to be like this.” He said.

Jace frowned.

“Like what?”

“As soon as she enters the picture, there’s no reasoning with you.”

“You never liked her!” Jace accuses.

“Of course I didn’t!” Alec shouted back. He looked hurt. Jace knew he was. “That’s what you don’t get. You never did.”

“What do you want me to do?” Jace asked, helplessly.

“How about not getting yourself killed?”

“Alec, I need to do this.”

Alec stood up straighter.

“Knock yourself out.”

He walked out of the room, leaving Jace trying to work the puzzle out by himself.

Jace sat on the edge of his bed and rubbed his face with his hands. Alec was right to doubt his intentions. Jace had done it on an impulse. He’d had never cared about the Clave’s rules. He’d wanted Alec as close as possible, so he did what he thought would achieve that. Did Clary entering the picture again change anything? He’d taken her as his responsibility because he understood her pain. He’d thought he loved her. But kissing Alec was different. Jace was willing to let Alec do whatever he wanted to do to him. It was scary just how much he wanted that to happen. He got up. Saving Clary was his priority now. He would talk to Alec after.

-

Jace and Izzy tried to stack as many weapons and provisions as they could without looking suspicious. “Without looking suspicious” was a table full of weapons in the training room. Somehow that had seemed like a good idea at the time.

“What happened between you two?” Izzy asked.

Jace glanced at her before turning back to the swords.

“Nothing.”

Izzy stopped what she was doing and leaned on the table with both hands.

“Jace, you’ve never been defensive with me. That’s Alec’s thing.”

He sighed and threw the sword back into the pile.

“At this point, even I don’t know what’s going on.” He confessed.

She leaned back.

“You didn’t…” She gasped.

He frowned.

“Didn’t what?”

She crossed her arms.

“You really did, didn’t you?” She said, unamused. “You kissed him.”

Jace stiffened.

“What?”

She rolled her eyes.

“Jace, I’ve watched Alec be in love with you my whole life. I thought with Magnus, he’d moved on. But since ever they broke up and you’ve been spending all your time together, it’s like he has never was in a relationship.”

Jace picked on the handle of the sword in front of him. He knew just how deep Alec’s feelings for him ran. But he’d chosen to ignore them for years only to kiss him now. Did Jace love Alec? His answer had always been an unequivocal yes. Was Jace in love with Alec? He’d never considered it. He’d taken Alec’s presence beside him as a given. It wasn’t until they were apart for so long and Alec showed interest in spending time with someone else that he’d realized that their bond didn’t give him as much of Alec as he wanted.

“He thinks I’m confused. That I’m still in love with Clary.” He said.

“Aren’t you?”

“I’m not.” He answered, truthfully.

She picked up a sword and pointed it at him.

“You better make up with him properly, or I’ll be the one coming for you.”

\--

Jace glanced at his phone and sipped his coffee. They were at a small coffee shop in the corner of the street where the picture had been taken. Izzy was wearing one of her wigs and they both wore mundane clothing to blend in with the crowd. Jace had learned how to do that after the mundane girls he met on his way to his support group kept asking to see his motorcycle.

“I collected all the footage from the cameras around here, but I couldn’t find anything else on them.” Izzy said, after sitting in front of him with a new croissant.

“Why did the Paris Institute send you those in the first place?” He questioned.

Izzy stared at him, phone in her hand.

“You don’t know?” When Jace shook his head, she looked at him meaningfully. “Alec had us put out a warning for her after you told him there weren’t any bodies on the scene.”

Jace felt a heavy feeling at the pit of his stomach.

“I didn’t know.” He whispered, eyes downcast.

Izzy smiled at him sympathetically and went back to looking at her phone.

“According to them, Shadowhunters are being killed at an unusually high rate in this area. There rumors going around say demons are working together to kill them.”

“That’s definitely Jonathan. He must have Clary under some sort of spell.” Jace looked around, wishing he would appear right there, so they could finally put an end to this. “What I don’t get is, why Paris?”

They exchanged a glace.

“I don’t know.” She said.

\--

Jace and Izzy got out of the café and into the busy street. Jace was on high alert, searching everywhere for the familiar red hair. Someone bumped into him, making him lose his balance. Jace stilled as felt a knife touching his flank. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the runes that weren’t hidden behind the man’s jacket. At least it wasn’t Jonathan. A quick look around told him that Izzy had also been captured.

The Shadowhunter had Jace walk into an alley while the other did the same to Izzy.

 “You’re not from around here.” The male Shadowhunter says, threatening Jace with his knife.

“No. We’re not.” Jace answered, hands in the air.

“Our friends have been turning up dead, any idea why?”

Jace didn’t like the look on his face.

“Yes, actually.” He replied.

Jace felt the tip of the knife in his throat.

“We received information from the Paris Institute. We came to help.” Izzy intervened.

“We know Shadowhunters are helping them. Why should we trust you?” The female Shadowhunter said.

“Have you seen them?” Jace asked, suddenly interested in the conversation.

The Shadowhunter opened her mouth to speak, but a knife flew through her throat, spreading blood everywhere.

“Jace, that’s her!” He heard Izzy scream.

The rest of what happened was a blur. At the touch of blood on his face, Jace had disconnected from present. He buckled, feeling ill. A shadow appeared in front of him and pulled him by the neck. Pain shot through him as the gash on his chest reopened. Alec had been right, after all.

An arrow hit the demon in its chest, making it disappear into ashes.

Jace was pulled upwards by a strong body, his arm slung around the other’s neck. He started regaining clarity.

“Alec?” Jace panted. “What are you doing here?”

Alec huffed.

“As if I could let you die by yourself.”

\--

Jace slouched against the wall of the alley. His shirt was stained red, making it impossible for him to go into back into a mundane street without looking like a serial killer.

“If we can shake her off the spell, she might know where we can find Jonathan.” He panted.

“We need to take care of you first.” Alec said, and he lowered Jace to the ground.

“Alec is right. You’re not killing anyone in that state.” Izzy added.

Alec crouched next to him and Jace saw him lift his shirt and activate his _iratze_.

“She’s probably telling Jonathan about us now. We need to be quick.” He insisted, panting heavily.

“Trying to snap you out of it didn’t work.” Alec commented.

“Lilith was a Greater Demon. She was much more powerful than Jonathan, and she still needed Magnus’s help.” He felt less dizzy now. He activated his stamina rune. “I can do it. But we need to find her first.” He said.

Izzy grinned. “Well, I, being the smartest one, passed by her room on the way out.” She reached out into her bag and pulled out some clothes.

Jace grinned back at her.

“Nice one, Izzy.”

Jace grabbed the piece of clothing and stood in front of Alec with trepidation. They clasped their hands together, like they had done a million times before. The world around them disappeared. Jace focused on Alec’s eyes. He felt it. The pull towards Alec. And realized how many times he’d felt it before. Long before the people in their lives had come along.

“Jace.”

“I know.” He said, frustrated at himself.

He shook his head, attempting to clear his head. They couldn’t afford any distractions.

They restarted the tracking. This time, Jace concentrated on fiery red hair. He saw it, running on top of the buildings towards what looked like an abandoned warehouse.

He released Alec’s hands.

“Let’s go.”

\--

Getting Clary to snap out of the spell once they captured her was easy for Jace. He knew just the right words to say. She explained to them how the explosion that sent Lilith to Edom, had sent them to France. After that, they waited outside the warehouse while she met with Jonathan pretending she was still under his spell. The first time Jonathan had turned his back, Clary had stabbed him. She had become surprisingly good at stabbing people in the back.

Outside of the warehouse, Clary ran into his arms. Jace hugged her tightly, glad this particular nightmare was over, and she was safe. Until then, he’d thought that there was no way that was going to end with both of them alive.

“I thought I’d lost you.” He told her.

Clary looked up at him with hooded eyes. Before, he might’ve leaned down. Kissed her softly. As her eyes begin to close, though, he quickly puts some distance between them.

“Jace, it’s OK. It’s me.” She whispered, walking closer to him to try again.

He moved back again, slowly.

“I’m sorry, Clary.”

Clary looked confused. She reached out to him.

“Look, if you’re feeling guilty about what happened…”

Jace shook his head.

“No- I mean, I am. But that’s not what this is about.” He told her.

Comprehension dawned on her. Jace felt guilty as her eyes watered.

“I get it. You thought I was gone. I just thought…”

Jace smiled sadly at her.

“It’s not that simple.”

At that moment, Alec appeared besides Jace.

He looked at Clary with contempt. At least that hadn’t changed.

"Great, you're back.” He said, dry and distant. “We need to get moving."

\--

Jace walked into the night’s cold air.

“We need to talk.” He said.

Alec turned around.

“What is there to talk about?”

He looked gorgeous over the city’s lights and Jace couldn’t believe he’d never noticed it before. Alec had been feeling sorrow ever since they’d found out about Clary.

Jace’s chest hurt.

How much of that had Jace ignored throughout the years?

“You deserve so much better than me.” He said.

Alec pursed his lips and nodded.

“I understand.”

Jace walked up to him.

“You don’t.” He whispered. “Alec, I love you. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.”

Alec’s expression was pained so Jace brushed Alec’s cheek with his thumb. His eyes prickled with tears.

“We’ll figure it out. I promise.”

He watched Alec’s face carefully as he leaned forward to brush his lips against his. This time, Alec kissed back hungrily, the years of bottled up feelings spilling out of him all at once. The strength he was kissing him with made Jace stumble back until his back met the cold concrete and their bodies were flushed together. Jace clawed at his back, desperate to touch more, to be closer. Alec’s hands travelled under his shirt, making Jace’s spine curve into him, so every inch of their bodies met. His head was spinning. The friction was so unbearably good.

Alec’s hands travelled higher, exposing Jace’s chest. The wind hit his stomach and Jace shivered. Alec dipped down, leaving a wet trail from Jace’s mouth to his collarbone. When Alec dropped to his knees, Jace’s heart went into a frenzy. He tangled his hands in hands in Alec’s dark curls, feeling how soft they were between his fingers. At the feeling of Alec’s wet mouth on him, Jace felt his legs give out, but Alec held him against the wall with a strong hand on his waist. Alec kissed the path down Jace’s happy trail until he reached the hem of Jace’s pants, and, then, further, as he pushed them down.

“Fuck.” Jace’s eyelashes fluttered in pure bliss. He felt faint. “Alec…” He panted. “Bedroom.”

He pulled on Alec’s shirt, trying to get him to stand. Alec did only to grab Jace by the hair and clash their mouths together again. The other, he slid inside Jace’s pants, and Jace came apart. Breathing ragged, he buried his head in the crook of Alec’s neck and searched blindly for the buttons of Alec’s pants. He felt the coarse hairs on Alec’s belly, and ventured lower, eager to return the favor once he found what he was looking for. It didn’t take long for Jace to come. He trembled in Alec’s hands as his vision went white with his climax. A minute later, he felt Alec stiffen and, then, go pliant against him.

Feeling content, Jace wrapped his arms around Alec’s neck, enjoying his proximity as much as he wanted to, at last.

Alec planted a kiss behind his ear.

“You’re all I’ve ever wanted.” He confessed against Jace’s skin.

Jace held him tighter.

“You have me now.”


End file.
